Babies and Bones

I wanted to write about my strange dream from two nights ago. The dream still haunts my mind and I thought maybe writing about it would help me process my feelings.

My sister Vicki, has been dead for ten years. In my dream, I had a feeling something was wrong and I had her body exhumed.  When the coffin was opened, I saw her.  Badly decomposed but strangely still lovely.  Her hands were folded across her chest with a rosary. Then I saw a pregnant belly. She wasn't pregnant but in the dream she was. The doctor cut open her belly and laid a perfect baby girl in my arms. The baby was beautiful. She was alive and looked just like me!  Bright blue eyes and pink cheeks! I was so happy that I got her out.

I made her my baby. She loved me and drank my milk. I was convinced Vicki had left me her child to love since she could not stay. Then things became different.  Everyone around me could not see that the baby was alive. To everyone else, she was dead. But when they left the room the baby woke and would smile and coo and was such a joy.  I ignored the others and kept my new baby girl. I took pictures of her with my other two children, but when I looked at the photos.. she was dead. I was horrified!!  I didn't understand!

It was awful. I woke up crying hysterically. I felt so empty. The dream was so real. I saw my sister.. for the first time since she died. And it was like she gave me a gift to help me cope. 

What a terrible thing to dream. It affected my entire day yesterday. I feel the ache of her loss, all over again. And the loss of her baby, that felt so good to hold.

Somebody Said HIs Name Was Jesus

Who is that man up on that cross?

Somebody said "His name is Jesus"

They nailed him there, but he got off..

Never forget, the name of Jesus.


If your ever in trouble, he is who to call

When your on your knees, he is standing tall

Ready to hold you and fix it all

Always remember the name of Jesus.


In this life, you'll be let down

With disappointments all around

But one day, you can trade your burdens for a crown

And then lay it at the feet of Jesus.


Oh this Saviour, that died for me

To bear my sins on Calvary

Nothing I can do can set me free

Only the love of Jesus.

Tiny Tims Long Journey

My son Timothy, was born two months early. On May 8th, 2002.. I woke up and walked to our kitchen in Athens, Alabama.. and while standing at the sink I looked down and saw a lot of blood running down to the floor. I slid down to the floor in sight of the blood and panic rushed through body. I crawled to the phone.. and called my husband who was at work forty-five minutes away. He called his ex wife who lived nearby to come over and help me. She came and called 911.
I was taken to Athens Limestone Hospital and I was told, that my placenta had abrupted. They pumped me full of steroids and fluids.. kept me a few nights and sent me home on bed rest. I was only to get up to go the bathroom because of my pre eclampsia.. my blood pressure rose too high when I stood up.

On the morning of May 15th, 2002.. I have only one memory of that morning. The events of that day were told to me.

I remember waking up and not feeling right. I remember feeling like I was dying.. and I was afraid for my baby. I heard the phone ringing but I couldn't move my body to answer the phone. Ken had been calling from work but the phone sounded so far away. He sent his ex back over to check on me. She reported that I was swollen and unresponsive. I remember following a flashing light in the corner of the bedroom. She went to the kitchen and made me a sandwich.. when she returned I ate some of the sandwich and kept staring at the light in the corner. Then she said, my eyes rolled back into my head and I began having a seizure. She called 911. When the squad arrived.. I was already into a second seizure and was foaming at the mouth, and blood was all over the bed.

Inside the squad it took two paramedics and Flo.. to hold me down so they could start an IV. I had another seizure on the way to the hospital. There was no time wasted once at the hospital. I went right into surgery, for an emergency c section. Timothy Christoper arrived into the world.. and was taken right away for a trip to Huntsville Hospital. I stayed in Athens, and didn't wake up for three days. Blood tests showed that I had Eclapsia, Toxemia, kidney and liver failure and HELLP Syndrome. My baby laid in a incubator without ever being touched by his mothers hands. When I was discharged from the hospital on day five.. I couldn't get to Huntsville NICU fast enough.

I walked up to where Timmy lay, bawling my eyes out. I couldn't control myself. I wanted to hold my son and I couldn't and I was angry at the nurses for not letting me touch my baby. I was full of anger and hurt. I kept telling Timmy how sorry I was for not being able to carry him to term.. and for the horrible conditions surrounding his birth. I visited him everyday.. and finally I got to hold him and feed him from a tube. He was so small. His skin was too big for his little body. I felt like a complete failure as a mother.

He gained weight quickly. When he reached four pounds he was allowed to go home. I stayed on seizure medication for six months.. and a hand full of other pills for my liver and kidneys. I don't remember his first months.. its all a blank in my mind. I had no friends to visit and my family was 500 miles away. I had Ken when he came home from work.. and no one else.

It was just me and my tiny man. He was the best gift ever. I am quite aware that we both dodged death. Fifty years ago we wouldn't have made it. He met all his milestones on time.. just as if he had been born on time. Like a good mom, he received all his immunizations on schedule. It wasn't until he was 18 months, on the day he got his MMR shot that he changed for the worse. He got a high fever, had a seizure and lost all his speech and motor skills.  Once again, I felt like a failure for not knowing that the shots were going to hurt him. I was depressed and pissed off. I made it my mission to get early intervention services for him. I taught my son, sign language to communicate with him. With time he learned his words back but it remained clear that he was never going to be the same.

At three, he was diagnosed with Autism and my heart broke again. My beautiful, blond baby was going to struggle the rest of his life.

Today, he is ten. He still struggles in social aspects and with self control. But he is smart, funny and amazing.  I love him so much. He is a fighter for sure.
He has been on a very long, rough journey for a little guy. Thank the Lord above, he spared my baby boy.. and taught me some very hard lessons.

Not Like Me

Her baby teeth are falling out and her hair is getting long

She has her own way of doing things; She moves to tune of her own heart song.

She looks like me, but she is her own,  I watch her in awe, as she grows..


She argues with me and is sure to give me her say, But I am so thankful that she is made that way.

I don't want her to cower in anyones shadow or go along with the crowd

I want her to fight in the name of what's right, when the voices of others are loud.


I try to guide her gently and offer my hand to hold

But I know theres a day, when God takes me away and she will have to stand on her own.


I am proud of her spunk and her spirit, that somehow I failed to achieve

My needy ways have skipped her and I am thankful she is not like me.


Soar baby girl to the heavens..

May you live out each one of your dreams

Your momma loves you so deeply

When you sing, Angel, sing one for me.

Changing Places

I have not slowed down to process my thoughts. So many changes have went on in the time since my last blog.  Something is off. Something is broken and I am trying my best to slow down and make sense of it all.

I left my husband of twelve years, three months ago. I had enough. Enough of his crap, his abuse, his negligence. I set out and began a new relationship with a man that I have known since I was seventeen. We dated briefly then, and then it ended and he chose to marry another girl that we worked with. He had three children with her, and that marriage ended five years ago.  Here we are again, we share a common past. We are share a special bond, he is connected to my youth. He seems to represent in my mind, a Mindy that was before Ken. Before he destroyed my heart and hopes. With Russell, I feel like a chance to start over, a beginning that I have been unable to create in my efforts throughout the years. Russell's parents are allowing me to stay here with them until I can find my own housing for Kensie and I.

Ken refused to leave my apartment. He got us evicted for non payment of rent. And from that, we lost most of our belongings. I have no where else to go. So this home for now. Ken took Timmy to Tennessee to live, I'm sure this was probably the best that could have happened. For those that don't know my son personally, do not understand how extreme and hostile his behavior can become. He really does require a man to keep his behaviors in check. And Kensie needed to be apart from him for awhile so I can work on her. She has been the brunt of his frustrations for years. I don't want her to think it is normal for her to be pounded on and that apologies make it better. I have set a poor example in staying in an unhealthy relationship for as long as I did.  I want so much better for her.

I can't look out to the future and see how this all will unfold. I hope there is a better day, a brighter day, with more smiles than tears. I know Russell is not my savior, but I look to him to lead me somewhere. I don't know if he is able to do that. But I love him and I am thankful he gave me a hand to grab onto as I leaped from the cliffs of my prison.

I started a new job, I am trying to earn enough money to survive. This is not easy.  I would love it if I didn't have to worry about just getting by in life. I would love a home and yard to garden in. I wish I didn't have to slave away for dollars, but could stay at home and bake muffins, and just be a wife and mother.  I feel somewhat resentful at people who seem to have it made. They have enough to buy extras and I count pennies just for a few dollars to put in my gas tank. I want to educate my daughter and give her a chance to do better in her life. I wish I could give her more. Her own room, maybe some piano lessons. I tell her all the time that she is smart. I hope I instill some confidence in her that is so lacking in me.  She deserves better than what I am able to give her.

Russell says he loves me. I believe him. I am hoping with all my might that we can make a life together. I am thankful that he is in my life. I dont' want to be alone. This world is a big and scary place for me, and I feel like I have had no one to depend on. No safe place to lay my head.

I hope this is it.

There they are, the two of them..

"There they are.. the two of them; Formed in my womb and now on the outside, walking around and making decisions."

I want to draw them near and say, "Cover your eyes, don't look at that, Cover your ears! Don't listen to that!" Come with me, that way over there is no where. That door is locked, and that one is treacherous..

But even they will not listen. They will be led by the desires of their hearts, the pursuit of their own happiness. I can teach best by example. Since I have lived and loved much, I have many scars. I can show them my scars and say this is what not to do. Do better, live wiser than me, little hearts.

Live, laugh and love but not at the expense of your own souls. You are your own gatekeeper, choose very carefully who you allow to come inside. Few are worthy to grace your inner spaces.

Be children of Truth. Be true to yourself. Live in a way that shows you to be blameless when others stand around you, with guilt dripping from their hands.

You are made of light and are beautiful. Never hid your brightness with conformity. Shine out loud with the Divine privilege you were born with. You belong to God.  You were born of me, but were first His.

You are loved beyond measure. Take that love captive and love forward. Take sustenance from the Earth and grow like a Tree of Life from the garden in which you were planted. I pray your fruit shows to be a true reflection of the content of your hearts and not camouflaged by confusion and insecurity.

Go now and walk under the protection of God's almighty hand.

11:03 with Mom

11:03 and I called up my mom

She knew right away that something was wrong..

I told her my hurts and how I couldn't bear if she died..

I couldn't stand over her casket and tell her good bye..

Losing our Vicki, just about did me in.. but mom... no, please God

I can't go through that again..


She listened to my fretful heart and offered her words of hope

She said that she is apart of me, wherever I may go

She told me not to hang my head but hold it way up high-

To know that she will be looking at me through the sparkle in Kensie's eyes


And through me she will live on, and Vicki will too

So go on and do the things that you were meant to do..

Write it all down.. sing your songs and dance

Love people the way you do and give yourself a chance

To be happy! Live! Stay strong!

I love you Mindysue with all my heart...

I love you too, Mom. <3