Changing Places

I have not slowed down to process my thoughts. So many changes have went on in the time since my last blog.  Something is off. Something is broken and I am trying my best to slow down and make sense of it all.

I left my husband of twelve years, three months ago. I had enough. Enough of his crap, his abuse, his negligence. I set out and began a new relationship with a man that I have known since I was seventeen. We dated briefly then, and then it ended and he chose to marry another girl that we worked with. He had three children with her, and that marriage ended five years ago.  Here we are again, we share a common past. We are share a special bond, he is connected to my youth. He seems to represent in my mind, a Mindy that was before Ken. Before he destroyed my heart and hopes. With Russell, I feel like a chance to start over, a beginning that I have been unable to create in my efforts throughout the years. Russell's parents are allowing me to stay here with them until I can find my own housing for Kensie and I.

Ken refused to leave my apartment. He got us evicted for non payment of rent. And from that, we lost most of our belongings. I have no where else to go. So this home for now. Ken took Timmy to Tennessee to live, I'm sure this was probably the best that could have happened. For those that don't know my son personally, do not understand how extreme and hostile his behavior can become. He really does require a man to keep his behaviors in check. And Kensie needed to be apart from him for awhile so I can work on her. She has been the brunt of his frustrations for years. I don't want her to think it is normal for her to be pounded on and that apologies make it better. I have set a poor example in staying in an unhealthy relationship for as long as I did.  I want so much better for her.

I can't look out to the future and see how this all will unfold. I hope there is a better day, a brighter day, with more smiles than tears. I know Russell is not my savior, but I look to him to lead me somewhere. I don't know if he is able to do that. But I love him and I am thankful he gave me a hand to grab onto as I leaped from the cliffs of my prison.

I started a new job, I am trying to earn enough money to survive. This is not easy.  I would love it if I didn't have to worry about just getting by in life. I would love a home and yard to garden in. I wish I didn't have to slave away for dollars, but could stay at home and bake muffins, and just be a wife and mother.  I feel somewhat resentful at people who seem to have it made. They have enough to buy extras and I count pennies just for a few dollars to put in my gas tank. I want to educate my daughter and give her a chance to do better in her life. I wish I could give her more. Her own room, maybe some piano lessons. I tell her all the time that she is smart. I hope I instill some confidence in her that is so lacking in me.  She deserves better than what I am able to give her.

Russell says he loves me. I believe him. I am hoping with all my might that we can make a life together. I am thankful that he is in my life. I dont' want to be alone. This world is a big and scary place for me, and I feel like I have had no one to depend on. No safe place to lay my head.

I hope this is it.