I finally got some internet turned back on at home... and have been waiting for the inspiration to sit down and write. Today I am off work and the kids are at school so the creative juices should be flowing... but.. not quite. So much has been happening lately and not very much at all. I have been working hard at my not-so-perfect job, and beating myself up for being too tired to be the June Clever momma that I used to pride myself being. My carpet is nasty, there are dishes in the sink.. and I haven't taken a shower today. As a matter of fact, I took my daughter to the bus stop in my Tinkerbell pj bottoms and a mismatched motorcycle shirt, three sizes too big. I am awesome.
Timmy has been doing fine at his new school. He is "mainstreaming" awesomely. I wonder if I did him a major disservice by putting him in "Autism School" in the first place. I think back to the violent nature of his behavior and maybe it was the right thing.. nevertheless.. that chapter is all said and done now. He a bright beautiful boy and he will be ten years old next month. That makes me feel old to say that! My babies are not babies anymore, and there will not be anymore little bundles to fill my arms.
I have entered back into the chaotic world of the Waffle House, with all its bullshit and drama. I try to stay a layer above it all.. trying not to get sucked into the vortex of gossip. When everyone else is being a sour puss, I encourage. When the tone of the group is negative.. I try to be the sunshine. Some days it works.. some days it doesn't. I really like the days when the shift is steady and all the busybodies have gone home. I like the way the sun fills my section with light and warmth. My tables are clean and side work is complete. I love presenting a perfect plate of cooked to order food to my customer. It is so satisfying to me to offer flawless customer service. It may be just Waffle House, but I really do what I do as if I were doing for Jesus himself. And if I do forget someones grits, or my timing gets off and I don't get back to the table for a refill or dessert offer, I beat myself up. I know I shouldn't but I cant seem to help it. I want so bad to be good at something.. and this is what I have. To see a five dollar bill or more.. means that I have exceeded expectation.
Working is good for me. It keeps me distracted. I forget the sadness in my heart, missing Vicki.. quiets for a little while and I go into this auto pilot mode of people pleasing. Waitressing is perfect for someone like me. I also have to be on constant lookout for people who are up to no good. I love nice people but sometimes their niceness is a front for ill intentions. Heart armor is just as important for me to put on as my apron.
I often worry about my worth as a person. I am a thirty year old waitress.. that's not all I desire to be. I want to do more with my life.. I just don't know what, when or how. I am a momma to two children.. that's the most important job.. but I don't think I do that well enough. Some days I don't even see my kids for very long because of school and my work hours. I just hope they know that they are the reasons I get up and get out there. I would like to trade my black W.H apron for a flowery, ruffled one. I would like to see myself standing in a bright kitchen baking up some delicious organic muffins. Or pulling home grown veggies out of my own garden with the help of my worm loving side kick "Mini-me".
Its good to have dreams.
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